Day 17

I have been thinking for the past hour about what I (might) have (possibly) done wrong to offend people during these past few years.

I had to leave a community I call home a few days back, partially because it is actually distracting me from study, but also partially because I no longer feel welcome in there.

For the past week, I found out that there's quite a few people in there, a lot of whom I considered friends, have been openly criticizing me within the community without directly confronting me for whatever reasons, and almost all of which were focused on me "using my mental health & other issues as a scapegoat to my procrastination". I'll admit, that has never crossed my mind before, and that offended the fuck out of me at first because I've been consciously trying to avoid doing just that, but after thinking through it, I might have been doing it subconsciously without me realizing, so I'll say that it is a pretty legitimate criticism that I'll need to look out for in the future, which leads to the next major problem I have...

Procrastination. I've had massive issues with it ever since I'm in elementary school, and frankly, I have no idea where did it come from, even despite that I have quite a few theories on what might be the main causes. I don't think a lot of people know, let alone realize, but I have legitimately been trying to force myself out of procrastination on-and-off for years, and I just couldn't quite get it to stick for whatever reasons. That's not to say I've given up completely; I'm still trying to get myself out of it through making them a habit alongside other methods, but it is genuinely hard for me to get out of the mindset quite a lot of times. You might think "maybe I just haven't put in enough effort" or "maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time writing this god damn article" and, to be honest, I'd agree with you. I just don't know why and what exactly do I need to do to stop procrastinating too much in the long term instead of the short term.

I'm not too great at discovering, let alone knowing, myself. Hell, I only found out on the very same week that I'm detail-oriented. Before that I was pondering what the fuck am I all the time and my mind usually ends up going empty. Do you now see why is it so hard for me to deal with a lot of my personal issues, and why I want people to personally confront me about whatever issues they have with me? I sometimes just don't know where did I do wrong, as hard as I try to think through it, because it always comes in blank. Fuck, that's probably a big reason why I have social anxiety for all I know 'cus I'm second-guessing why people ignore or block me all the time and it's fucking exhausting.

......

I should start keeping track physically on what works and what doesn't to make life a helluva lot easier for me to deal with.


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