Day 16

Well, there we go. Brought up that I've been seeing a therapist online to my family during a semi-related argument and broke down completely in front of them about all my anxieties, only for them to tell me "don't worry about it".

Sure, I will admit, I shouldn't have treated my family rudely the way I have done these past few months, and I will try my best not to, but I cannot guarantee that I will. Frankly, I don't think I have enough mental energy to keep in mind of that all the time, it's exhausting. Now, going back to what they told me when I broke down in front of them about my depression.

How am I supposed to not worry about me not doing enough for my family? Being a disappointment to them and anyone around me after they have done this much to me? My studies? My future? Fuck, a whole lot of other things too? If I can just choose to not worry about all those willingly I wouldn't have persistent depression for so long. I no longer feel that there's any future, let alone feeling safe, staying in this god-foresaken country, and you accuse me of not caring about how does any of you feel about me wanting to be independent overseas, when you are not even doing the same to me? You accuse me of being selfish when you're doing the exact same thing towards me? Even if they're right, can't I be a bit selfish for my own long-term happiness, that I feel like I have some actual purpose, so I can actually come back and try to give them better lives instead of being in the void all the time? They all tell me to not think too far into the future, how and why am I not supposed to? Is it that bad to have something to look forward to?

All these are why I never talk to my family much, let alone letting them know about myself.


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