Day 6


It's only about a week till a friend's birthday, and here I am, overthinking about my friendship with my old friends in general while trying to pick a gift, wondering what do they really think of me and especially to the aforementioned friend, because he's been ghosting me lately. Whether he's trying to deal with his own problem or I was being too annoying/weird to him, I don't know.

Actually, before that I've already been feeling anxious in the night since day 5, but at least for the aforementioned day, I do know why my anxiety was triggered. It was some really, really taboo discussions about the controversy around the movie Cuties and in general how fucked up that underaged children are willingly sexualizing themselves for fame online these days.

I am of the personal opinion that people should confront certain taboo subjects to force discussions both with themselves and others which will end up being beneficial to everyone, and fortunately, my anxiety from that subsidized once the discussion ended; the consensus is that it is indeed very fucked up and there are alternative, probably better ways to warn people against these trends without making people feel they did something illegal, plus children should be educated in how dangerous the Internet can potentially be for them. It does help that r/Malaysia Discord, where this took place, already prohibits any sort of pedophilic activities and will ban anyone who supports them per Discord TOS.

But today? I don't actually know why I felt anxious. The vaguest idea I have that could possibly trigger my anxiety was really just discussions getting heat up on the same server, and I don't usually do too well with getting confronted. But even after those are already over and I moved on to more normal and positive discussions, I still feel really flushed. I am really not sure why I felt like this, and I do not like it one bit. I am not exaggerating when I said it persisted for 3 to 6 hours, and I know it's not normal to feel this way for this long.

At some point, I hopped into shower, started thinking about those gifts to get for the friend again, and somehow I started thinking of sending gifts to my friends again completely anonymously. It's very much related to what I said in the first paragraph, and it's something I've done in the past. This time though, it got a bit morbid; I ended up thinking of revealing who and what did I give my gifts to when I am dead, through a will. It would have sounded pretty funny to me (cause that sounds like a lifelong prankster would do) were it not for the fact that I didn't even feel anxious about my own death. I have death phobia.

I mentioned something about dying alone and lonely in day 3, and I think I might be accepting the idea even more at that point; I really don't know what to make of it. Whatever the reason is, it did get me thinking about whether my friends, save for just one person (N), will only start to appreciate my existence after I am gone. This is, quite frankly, a pretty selfish thinking if you ask me. I'd say that it's time for me to pull myself back from the possibly negative thoughts, but it didn't even feel negative, it feels... indifferent.

I don't know what else I could add, so to end this post and the day, I've just confessed some stuff somewhat related to my anxiety and opened myself up again to N while he's sleeping, I know that he's not going to take any of what I say negatively, but I still feel anxious and frankly a bit guilty for what I've done and thought.

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