June 25, 2021•1,424 words
I just got a notification in my phone of N saying that he's sorry.
For the context, I did disable the main social apps I am using like I said in day 2 post, and I am happy that I've disciplined myself enough to not even check on them despite my urges. In fact, I don't even know what's actually going on in the social networks. However, as it turns out my phone will keep sending me notifications even if I disabled one of the apps in question, and since its OS is pretty locked down, there's not much I can do about it, and uninstalling it would be quite a hassle. I'd like to think that those notifications so far have scratched my urges of wanting to check and see how people are doing.
I'll admit, one of the objectives for my current break is to get N's attention. I'd be lying to my conscious if I say that I didn't think of using this break as a way to see if N actually cared about me per day 3 post, and that is pretty selfish. In fact, after acknowledging that to myself, I've been questioning whether I am a narcissist, whether I am a creep or a straight up stalker, all those pretty nasty stuff, and it makes me feel pretty guilty cause of the stuff that I did to constantly hurt him. N, if you somehow found this, I am sorry for being a selfish man.
But, now that I got what I want, I still don't want to get out of the break, cause that isn't the main goals of this break, it's for me to take some time off to rediscover myself (after realizing that I was basically back to square one), sort out my thoughts without external influences, learn to discipline myself, and just overall take a break from my social life. For the most part, I've actually managed to achieve my main goals so far, and I'd like to continue it until after my therapy session. There's one and only one condition that I will get out of my break early, and I think I'll leave it in the last paragraph for N to read.
In fact, I found out that I'm a perfectionist; I expected too much toward others (especially N) and myself with unrealistic thoughts, dictating my life with the negative thoughts of "what could have been", and that is quite frankly very unhealthy for both me and anyone around me. It's funny that I used to think that I'm not and I'd be perfectly okay with people's flaws and all that, but reading back my letters and posts in the past week, it's evidently clear that I am. Maybe this is why I thought I'm being a narcissist. I'll have to tell my therapist about this.
On the plus side, I had the moment of clarification from that; instead of thinking about "what could have been", I should be thinking about "what can be", then actually work towards that with realistic goals. It astounds me just how drastic a shift in perspective can how you phrase something gives you. And even if I fail at doing the latter, it's perfectly okay because failing at doing stuff is a very normal thing, as long as I try again, do not give up and continue to be persistent, I will eventually achieve what I want.
Sure, there are times that no matter how much you keep pushing, it's impossible for you to reach, but that is also very okay. You do not have to achieve every single goals you have, in fact, why not explore some alternative routes you can work towards? Take me for example, one of my main goals is to be together with N again, but I realized that there's a very real, not-slim possibility that he won't date with me again, and that is perfectly fine. Sure, it'll sting me quite a bit, but I could always just be a close friend to him. You don't really have to be together with somebody to show you your love towards somebody, whether it's platonic, romantic, familial or even all of them, right? I know that I still very much care about and will be there for him no matter what happens, and that is a promise I've made to him.
I know I said all that, but I also know that I have had, has and can slip back into constantly doubting other people, alongside my inner perfectionist and possibly narcissistic behaviours. That is still perfectly okay, but I won't give up working towards the betterment my mental wellbeing, even if there are times that I kept doubting my ability to. I can be better, and I will work towards making myself feel better so I can better help others with their mental wellbeings because I care for them, that is one of my main purposes in life, to make others feel happy, but WITHOUT at the expense of my own, which is something I have been struggling with and it's very self-sacrificial in a bad way. You can't make people feel happy for longer when you yourself are not, can you? Sure, there are times that I just can't do anything to make them feel better, but as long as I make them aware that I will be around to give them a shoulder to cry on if they want to, I'm content, as much as I prefer that they open up to me about what they are going through so I can try to help as much as I could.
N, if you managed to read through this entire post to see this, I want you to know that this whole thing is not your fault, it's on me, okay? I wanted this for myself, you shouldn't blame yourself for that. But, if you really need somebody to talk to or if you feel really distressed, don't hesitate to tell me that. I will immediately get out of my break and be right there for you, because you matter that much to me. Frankly, I already miss you.
As a side note, it's weirdly funny that I basically went through parts of the five stages of grief, and then some other emotions. First, I was angry at day one, then became decisive and frankly a bit scared at day two, then spiral down into doubts and depression, finally coming into acceptance and actually feel happy about myself in this post at day 4. Unfortunately, while I tend to be pretty fast compared to some others at recovering, this kind of cycle often happens way too often with me, enough that I'm basically hurting people around me, especially N, over and over again.
If there's anything I realized that I need to work towards, it's to shorten the periods of day 1-3, and possibly lengthen the period of day 4. I very much know that it's impossible to eliminate negative emotions out of your life; it's part of being human, after all, but that's not to say I have to wallow in them all the time. In other words, I need to learn to deal with my negative emotions far more quickly than what I am currently, and making sure that my positive emotions last longer, or at the very least gives me moments of calmness/indifference about my emotions as a platform for me to advance towards being happy or content.
I also need to figure out why is it that I feel uncomfortable around certain people exactly. Sure, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, but that isn't the root cause of why I feel uncomfortable being around certain people; it's literally just a diagnosis to help you find out why you feel anxious in certain scenarios so you can improve your wellbeing. My therapist and I have talked through this in our previous sessions before, and I did mention that I'm scared that they won't accept me for being who I am, and the fact that I am gay, which is taboo and illegal (for Muslims, for which I am not one) in Malaysia, but I have a feeling that this isn't the case for a few people specifically. Maybe because they act a bit too direct to my liking that I perceived it as aggressive? Maybe because they were underaged even though they are not anymore? I don't really know, but at least I have some leads now.