June 25, 2021•706 words
This is an excerpt taken from my daily journaling/self-rant letters between 23th and 24th June, 2021, which won't be reflecting on my current moods. It has been modified to protect the privacy of others involved.
I keep thinking about these past two months or so, and it just feels that N and I are just drifting apart. Something just tells me we aren't as close now. I do know that we don't even do that much thing together while we were dating, but...
I don't really know, does N has preference on other friends over me when it comes to doing things? If so, why? Is it because of him rather go do stuff together with others, or is it because of me not reaching out to him as often to ask if he wants to hang out or something?
I'll be honest, I really yearn that I'd get to do stuff with him more frequently, but most of the times when I ask N out, he's either busy hanging out with other people/with his assignments, not feeling up to do it, or just plain not interested in what I suggest.
Something else I noticed is that the times we do end up hanging out, it seems to mostly be in N own initiative rather than mine. Why is that?
(EDITOR'S NOTE: I won't elaborate what 'stuff' in the following paragraph means as I consider it revealing enough that you can pinpoint who I'm referring to)
This sounds quite selfish but I sometimes wonder why N didn't pick me to get stuff together. I realized that almost all the stuff he got with one of his other best friends, it's always the latter who pays for it in full as gifts. Maybe it's the same for the ones he got with a mutual friend but I am not too sure. By all means I shouldn't really be feeling jealous over this, but combine this with what I mentioned above, I just... feel ignored.
I guess I really do have a lot in common with B in terms of social anxiety, wanting to feel validated by other people we are trying to get into, but ends up feeling left out after we get ignored for whatever reasons. I know people say you should just be yourself and all that, but that has not worked out for me so far, and I ended up feeling even more lonely.
I can already feel my mind passively accepting that I might actually just die alone and lonely, without people I value and love being around for my final moments at all, and that concerns me quite a bit.
Now that I think about it, with how many times I have directly and indirectly made N feel guilty for not socializing with me, I'd be surprised if he didn't end up wanting to drift apart from me, even if subconsciously. I know you shouldn't dwell in the past and all that, but I've hurt him way too much. That alone is the single biggest motivator for me to try to get better emotionally and in terms of my emotional stability, all just so I wouldn't be the main cause of drama surrounding him and instead be able to provide him more support. But no, I almost always ends up going back into the old ways of wallowing in pain, sadness, all those negative stuff. I really don't want to continue feeling like that anymore.
I guess this is what B meant when he said he doesn't feel like he has a purpose when he's ignored. Maybe all this time, I just don't want to feel like I have no other purposes, maybe this is why I'm so obsessed with trying to socialize with a lot of friends, but just couldn't really deal with it, and thus I looked to N instead. Maybe this is why I yearn a lot for his words of encouragement when he couldn't even do that most of the times while trying to deal with his own mental health, so I ended up expecting too much out of him, getting myself disappointed and made him feel guilty that he couldn't help.
Wow, I'm really messed up.