June 23, 2021•428 words
After I posted my day 1 post, I've, well, gone ahead to ask two friends, one of whom didn't even reply back, about whether they noticed anything different about that person I mentioned in the aforementioned post after talking with him recently. The other friend who did respond said he didn't notice anything weird. Huh, maybe it was just me, I thought, then I realized that I might be capable of overthinking without feeling anxious at all, then I started to wonder if instead of that person changing, it's me, then everything sort of spiraled down from there on.
I thought I'm slowly beginning to understand myself, but I don't. Not only do I not have a grasp of myself, I feel that I'm basically back to square one.
Long story short, I immediately uninstalled, logged out, even limited the screen time of and blocked the social apps & websites I'm using to not only force myself to take some break, but to also stop creeping on my friends' social profiles. This is currently day 1 of me cutting off my only meaningful social circles out of my life. Did I mention that this is the third day in a row of me not even getting into online classes since the beginning of another semester this week?
I thought to myself, maybe I can use this time to try to rediscover myself, again. Maybe I can finally use this time to catch up on my college curriculum instead of procrastinating all the time. Maybe I can fix my sleep schedule too. But honestly, I cut myself off from others out of panic, albeit slight, so I don't actually have a concrete plan on how to handle all this.
For all I know about myself, I could be wallowing in negative thoughts like I used to do when I force myself to take a break, though to be fair, they are not the breaks I had in mind; it's more like taking breaks from certain people then failed to keep myself from avoiding them.
Still, my point is that this break I'm currently forcing myself into could either go back the way I used to handle it OR go well by distracting myself with the actually useful stuff I talked about, and I'd like to avoid the former as much as I could.
Whatever it is, I'm probably going to close myself off aside from this blog, and feel utterly lonely for the next few days, and I'm quite frankly not sure how to handle it during a break.