Welcome to my blog and/or journal, I guess. Despite what my blog post titles might suggest, not all of them follow each others literally daily. However, they will be in chronological order. Each blog posts will only reflect on what I was feeling *at that time*. My viewpoints within the posts may or may not stick around in the future, by which I recommend contacting me about it. #100Days #ExceptNotReally

Day 17

I have been thinking for the past hour about what I (might) have (possibly) done wrong to offend people during these past few years.

I had to leave a community I call home a few days back, partially because it is actually distracting me from study, but also partially because I no longer feel welcome in there.

For the past week, I found out that there's quite a few people in there, a lot of whom I considered friends, have been openly criticizing me within the community without directly confronting me for whatever reasons, and almost all of which were focused on me "using my mental health & other issues as a scapegoat to my procrastination". I'll admit, that has never crossed my mind before, and that offended the fuck out of me at first because I've been consciously trying to avoid doing just that, but after thinking through it, I might have been doing it subconsciously without me realizing, so I'll say that it is a pretty legitimate criticism that I'll need to look out for in the future, which leads to the next major problem I have...

Procrastination. I've had massive issues with it ever since I'm in elementary school, and frankly, I have no idea where did it come from, even despite that I have quite a few theories on what might be the main causes. I don't think a lot of people know, let alone realize, but I have legitimately been trying to force myself out of procrastination on-and-off for years, and I just couldn't quite get it to stick for whatever reasons. That's not to say I've given up completely; I'm still trying to get myself out of it through making them a habit alongside other methods, but it is genuinely hard for me to get out of the mindset quite a lot of times. You might think "maybe I just haven't put in enough effort" or "maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time writing this god damn article" and, to be honest, I'd agree with you. I just don't know why and what exactly do I need to do to stop procrastinating too much in the long term instead of the short term.

I'm not too great at discovering, let alone knowing, myself. Hell, I only found out on the very same week that I'm detail-oriented. Before that I was pondering what the fuck am I all the time and my mind usually ends up going empty. Do you now see why is it so hard for me to deal with a lot of my personal issues, and why I want people to personally confront me about whatever issues they have with me? I sometimes just don't know where did I do wrong, as hard as I try to think through it, because it always comes in blank. Fuck, that's probably a big reason why I have social anxiety for all I know 'cus I'm second-guessing why people ignore or block me all the time and it's fucking exhausting.


I should start keeping track physically on what works and what doesn't to make life a helluva lot easier for me to deal with.

Day 16

Well, there we go. Brought up that I've been seeing a therapist online to my family during a semi-related argument and broke down completely in front of them about all my anxieties, only for them to tell me "don't worry about it".

Sure, I will admit, I shouldn't have treated my family rudely the way I have done these past few months, and I will try my best not to, but I cannot guarantee that I will. Frankly, I don't think I have enough mental energy to keep in mind of that all the time, it's exhausting. Now, going back to what they told me when I broke down in front of them about my depression.

How am I supposed to not worry about me not doing enough for my family? Being a disappointment to them and anyone around me after they have done this much to me? My studies? My future? Fuck, a whole lot of other things too? If I can just choose to not worry about all those willingly I wouldn't have persistent depression for so long. I no longer feel that there's any future, let alone feeling safe, staying in this god-foresaken country, and you accuse me of not caring about how does any of you feel about me wanting to be independent overseas, when you are not even doing the same to me? You accuse me of being selfish when you're doing the exact same thing towards me? Even if they're right, can't I be a bit selfish for my own long-term happiness, that I feel like I have some actual purpose, so I can actually come back and try to give them better lives instead of being in the void all the time? They all tell me to not think too far into the future, how and why am I not supposed to? Is it that bad to have something to look forward to?

All these are why I never talk to my family much, let alone letting them know about myself.

Day 15

Feels like I have done something wrong, and I am kind of scared to even ask because of what happened last time when I did that.

Day 14: Relationship with Death

Right now, I'm lying on a bed, trying to get a nap when death pops out in my mind like clockwork again. Being somebody who has been suffering from death phobia for years, I obviously started feeling fear. At the same time, though, I can't help but entertain multiple scenarios of how I might die, the process of it, and what might lie beyond my own death.

I got distracted by it long enough that I figured "maybe I can write a blog post about it". Fun fact, did you know that writing what's in your mind down into something tangible could help reduce stress? I suppose this is why me venting to friends about my death phobia when I occasionally have mild panic attacks from it helped, and I hope that it'd help now.

For this blog post, I'll do you dear readers a favor and skip that part of me thinking about scenarios of how I might die, and go straight to the other two parts.

There was this one scenario from a friend, let's call him A, who used it to calm me down during one of my panic attacks from my death phobia while trying to sleep. A, an atheist, doesn't believe that there will be any afterlife. Instead, to him, he has a different scenario at play.

Realizing that you are indeed dying, you'll probably fruitlessly try to keep your eyes open, let alone moving, even though you're most likely too weak to move your body at this point, and even worse, you're slowly becoming blind. You keep struggling to fight against death, hoping for a miracle that will never come, until you become motionless. For a while, you will be trapped in your own body, absolutely terrified knowing that you can feel yourself literally not being able to breathe, out of reflex, and that your conscious is chipping away bit by not. All you can see is just pitch black void.

Eventually, you'll end up feeling nothing. No fear, no thoughts. Just, nothing.

This last part is the exact scenario he suggested to console me, and I'm grateful for that since at that time it did allow me to see death in an entirely new perspective. I can't help but wonder, though, that if this is what death is like, does that mean all my consciousness will see will be pitch black, and nothing else? If so, will it be capable of sensing the passing of time?

Perhaps I am not supposed to even ask those questions based on the fundamental basis of this scenario alone. Perhaps it's better to leave those things unanswered for the sake of my mental well-being. After all, as cliche as it is, "curiosity killed the cat" exists for a reason.

Another scenario, this time coming from N, is a lot more optimistic in that he hopes (note the lack of "believe") there's an afterlife, but it might not be what you think. Let me explain.

Completely skipping the process of dying, his scenario is more like a sandbox game, or an 'astral plane', where everyone can interact with each others and doing whatever the hell they want, but all of it will only serve as some form of preparatory stage. For what? He didn't specifically mention it as I found out when I checked our chat log. Even then, it's already a hell lot more optimistic compared to what A said.

Not gonna lie, I'd be lying if I say that I don't feel a little bit envious that he's able to be somewhat at peace with death, at least that's what it seemed to me, when compared to me and my brain that refuses to cooperate with me on this exact topic. Though, I sorta feel bad that he may have avoided talking to me about this kind of topic because of my death phobia. Maybe I should open myself up more.

Obviously, since I have death phobia, I am bound to come up with my own theories of post-death scenarios from what I've read throughout my lifetime, as a way to rationalize to calm myself down, even if I don't fully subscribe to them solely because there's way too many things that could potentially happen instead.

One of the theories I came up with was actually tied to the (Buddhist) concept of rebirth; you're chronologically reborn as a completely different person all the time, with any memories of your past life completely erased. Believe or not, the part where your memories are gone terrifies me instead. To me, your memories and what you live through makes you you, it's simply irreplaceable. Willing to wipe out all your own memories like that might as well amount to committing suicide in my book.

Having read enough stories of people having Alzheimer's, fictional or not, I sure as hell do not want that happening to me or my loved ones. Watching Jacob Geller's video about it (NSFW) yesterday further cemented that belief in me, so this one has fallen out of favor. N agreed, by the way, and in fact pointed out how terrifying this would be in our chat log first.

While I'm reading through my chat log with N for his post-death beliefs, I also found out another theory I had that has since long been forgotten till now. Basically, as you die, your own consciousness (and perhaps a silhouette of your body) gets moved into another dimension within the same universe, where you can also see and interact with other consciousnesses. In there, you can go to anywhere you want inside the universe to explore. Black holes? No problem. Galaxies? Definitely a-ok. Other living people to see what they're up to? I sure would like to do that.

Honestly, I'd rather live through either this or what N told me. Both of them gives me something tangible that I can actually look forward to, it'd be frankly pretty awesome. But, well, nobody really knows what happens after you die, so any scenarios mentioned here and beyond are all fair game. I guess we as humanity are destined not to be able to fully know, let alone grasp, what will happen after we die, and I don't know whether this counts as a blessing or a curse.

I have mentioned earlier that I have death phobia, and I figured I should mention the reasons of why I think could be causing it:

  • The process of dying itself, I don't want to imagine how painful would it be
  • Fear of unknown
  • I couldn't quite let go of everything I hold dear to, like my family and N (though at this point my love for him is in part familial), partly because I worry about what might happen to them after I am gone
  • My own ego, mainly in the form of I-don't-think-I-have-contributed-enough-for-humanity

There might be other reasons at play but these are the only major contributing factors I could think of so far, so I'll keep it at that.

Funnily enough, I haven't felt scared thinking about death itself when I'm awake for a while. These days, it's almost always when I try to sleep that my phobia starts to rear its ugly head. Perhaps I've been conditioned to associate death with my sleep, now that I've had months-long mild panic attacks from the aforementioned scenario, or perhaps I have associated the pitch black void itself to death instead.

Whatever it is, it's hella unpleasant and made me not want to sleep, at least for a while before I try again, like right now.

With all that said, I can only come to a conclusion: my relationship with death itself will be a turbulent one, probably for a lifetime to come. The only thing I wish for, hopefully, is that near the end, I am able to be at peace with death.

While I'm at it, I'd like to go off on a tangent to address a few certain entries on my guestbook. If you're reading this, I don't know who you are, but if you have nothing to say other than insulting me, and you're not willing to directly confront me with whatever issues you have with me in person, then I suggest you save your efforts of typing out rude essay-long remarks for something else. I will unfortunately not entertain you any further.

Day 13

It stings when you found out, after trying to help on a tech-related stuff, that somebody whom you considered friend blocked you, probably because of the last argumement with him quite frankly going too far with his, according to his own words, jokes towards you, doesn't it? Of course I am miffed about it. Who wouldn't?

Funnily enough, there was a pretty big drama recently with a popular person being outed for saying some really despicable racist jokes in private, then doubled down on defending their own actions publicly. I've seen quite a lot of people saying they thought they knew the person, but the evidence and the person's subsequent actions suggest otherwise, which made them feel shocked, disappointed and, in some cases, angry as a result.

You know what? I feel the exact same way with that "friend". In fact, while I'm at it why not also lump in some other people from the same social circle? I just realized they never even bothered to apologise for going overboard with their jokes when I've expressed actual discomfort. Sure, you can't usually tell through text sometimes, but I think I have been direct enough.

I don't know why, but I, frankly, feel slighted by those same people. I'm fine with being made fun of as some sort of meme, but is it really that hard to just ask to respect my own wishes when things go too far for my own comfort? Do I really, really have to go full on nuclear just so I could earn back a tiny bit of my dignity?

Apparently, to some of them, because I am from a somewhat privileged family, I deserve to be made fun of all the time for their own satisfaction. To those kinds of people, I am going to say what the fuck do you know exactly about my own background?

Look, if you think that privileged people should be shamed for not helping out other fellow humans at all or in a way that ends up benefitting them more than who they helped out, then go ahead, I totally support doing that, especially to the billionaires, but I am not even close to being a millionaire. There's only so much I can do before it starts going into the territory of straining my relationship with my family and eating a large chunk of my savings to the point of throwing out self-preseverance. It's a completely different story for the ultrarich, because neither of what I said will even put a dent to their wellbeing, so please don't lump me in with them.

I already had to deal with feeling guilty about being privileged for years, I don't need you to constantly remind me of it through any means. I just want to fit in, do NOT try to use my background to try to fucking separate me from the rest of the crowd just because. I absolutely hate standing out for being privileged instead of me as a person. I've had to attend therapy sessions in secret because of family stigma against mental illness, and I've always struggled with feeling utterly useless to the society because of my procrastination issues, laziness, exacerbated by seeing others working even harder than me yet living from paycheck to paycheck, to the point where I've contemplated suicide. No, you don't know shit about me.

I'm a goddamn human, just because I am bad at describing it doesn't mean I am fucking blind to what others go through. I will help others out as much as I can mentally handle if it means making others feel happy or fighting for something I truly believe in, and even if it means sacrificing some of my comfort and wellbeing, because I am a fellow human being, not some fucking alien living in his own bubble. I genuinely care about what others go through, I am not some cold-blooded bastard.

I deserve some fucking dignity and respect as a human being.

Day 12: Vaccination, information gaps, and the mess that is politics

This is an update to a previous post because I found out I missed out something in this section.

To whoever is reading this, I've just realized that it's not exactly feasible for me to do literal daily journals, but I will try to post semi-frequently since I've just found out N is checking in my blog from time to time, and I think that alone is enough of a drive for me to keep typing.

I'm also going to try add an actual title just for the sake of being able to keep track of what I've written, but that is not a guarantee for all the blog posts I'll be posting in the future.

So, I will be getting my vaccination tomorrow, but there is a good chance that it will be Sinovac vaccines instead of Pfizer's, and I don't like it.

Some of you might be aware that Sinovac vaccines are less effective against COVID-19, especially the Delta variant, compared to Pfizer vaccines, and that is one major reason why I prefer Pfizer's over any other available options. The biggest reason, though, has more to do with politics than you might realize.

As it turns out, virtually no countries outside mainland China are willing to let people who are vaccinated with Sinovac's in. To be fair, the scarcity of the data from Sinovac would surely rouse some eyes, and there are at least quite a few countries mass-deploying Sinovac vaccines that have come back to haunt them due to the Delta variant. But, because of how incompetent the PN administration here is with their jobs, virtually everything about JKJAV (our national vaccination committee) is opaque to the point where you won't even be informed of what vaccines you will get till you arrive in one of the vaccination centers, let alone being able to pick what you want. With cases here continuously rising to a new high in my state, inadequate vaccine supply, and an indefinite nationwide lockdown that is literally killing of people and their livelihoods because of PN's malicious incompetence, calling it a mess wouldn't even begin to describe what is happening in Malaysia.

Now, my family and I are rather well off enough to be able to get through the lockdowns, but I'd be lying if I don't feel guilty about seeing my fellow rakyats (https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/rakyat) suffer through the consequences of a lockdown with hypocritical SOPs, namely forcing the SMEs to close while keeping the factories running, which makes up our bulk of daily COVID-19 cases lately. I've donated whatever money I could spare according to my budgets for now, but I feel like I could do more than that. Unfortunately, I do not feel safe joining in a protest should it ever happen, because I live in rural Selangor, where it's easier for PDRM ("Polis Di-Raja Malaysia" / Malaysian Royal Police) to pinpoint me and arrest me under the sedition act. That, alongside other major reasons, including my sexuality in combination with PN's ethno-religious ideologies, push me to want to get out of the country ASAP. This is where the vaccination comes in.

You see, as of currently I can travel to most countries, including Australia (without taking their border lockdowns into consider), if I am vaccinated with Pfizer's. This is the biggest reason why I want Pfizer's over Sinovac's. I will try to call JKJAV's hotline later at 7am, then try to ask whoever's behind the registration desk in my venue hours later for my appointment, about whether I can reschedule to get Pfizer's instead, since apparently that is a thing which you can do.

For some reasons, I was assigned to a vaccination centre that is literally twice as far as the ones my parents went to yesterday (where they actually did get Pfizer despite not wanting to), in a Chinese-majority town where there's higher preferences for Sinovac vaccines (you should have known by ethnicity if you visited my personal website homepage), compared to the rest of my district. I've thought of any reasons why this could happen, including comorbidites, age, location etc. and none of them tells me why I am getting Sinovac's instead of Pfizer's. In the end, I can only conclude that some corruptions and connections with insiders are involved, which explains why I've seen news of people selling guaranteed vaccination spots online lately or getting vaccinated earlier through backdoor connections. Probably explains why rescheduling might works too.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that I don't want Sinovac vaccines at all, or that they are unsafe. They are definitely safe; they are quite literally just inactivated viruses, a centuries-old type of vaccines which has been and still will be used everywhere. But, if there is a chance that I could get Pfizer instead, I will try out every legal way of getting my arm injected with those. If not, though, I am willing to just take Sinovac's as the last resort. As ineffective as Sinovac vaccines are against Delta variant, which is growing increasingly common, it's better to be vaccinated rather than risk dying because of it.

Maybe, just maybe, this stupid government will offer us (fifth and sixth form) exam-years students guaranteed Pfizer vaccines or even booster shots, since they said they will expedite our vaccination starting this month. Maybe the rescheduling will work. Maybe even by the time I arrive to my venue tomorrow, they will be injecting Pfizer shots instead of Sinovac shots today, according to what my aunt has researched on Facebook, which is quite commonly used around here, even if I don't personally use it for more than a decade at this point. It doesn't help that just 2 days ago, the MP of where my venue is located in tweeted something about vaccinating people with Pfizer shots in the exact same venue. Do you see why I am so confused about it now?

Oh well, whatever it will be, I should be prepared for them tomorrow by taking naps 'cus I am yet to un-fuck my sleep schedule. Good night.

Day 11


I just woke up from a nap, but I am not even sure if I should classify what I dreamt as a nightmare or not.

For whatever reasons, it began as a movie about a Chinese exorcist kind of nuclear family. The dad and the elder brother were apparently out of the house to save the world or something. I know, sounds incredibly cheesy. That just leaves us with the mom and the daughter. I am the latter.

For whatever reasons, the daughter decided to back up her phone on a computer, probably has something to do with saving somebody, was on the talks with somebody else online, then heard something along the lines of "mercury touching anywhere above your nose instantly kills you". For whatever reasons again, the daughter somehow has mercury, then proceeded to basically commit suicide by dropping a dip of mercury into her head.

For a while, the whole thing went completely pitch black for me. Remember, I was the daughter. I felt myself trying to move but couldn't. It's almost literally like my usual sleep paralysis when it happens, usually with my eyes closed, cause I couldn't move my eyelids during sleep paralysis.

That's literally one of my biggest fears with my death phobia; being consciously aware and trapped in your cold, dead body, not being able to breathe and all that. It's being reflected back into my dream out of nowhere, and I don't really know how to process it.

Fortunately, either the daughter gained her senses back by being alive or by being a ghost, or a scene switch happened. I'm not sure what happened next aside from it being like a thriller movie's trailer, but I woke right up afterwards.

I still don't know what to make do of the dream to be honest.

Day 9/10

Decided to combine two days into one blog article since there's really nothing eventful going on, and it's very fragmented.

My god, maths is getting a bit too overwhelming for me to go through, I really could use something more digestible in the meantime.

I just realized that I don't really feel as anxious at the same period of day as the past few days anymore.

I'll admit, my mind has wandered through being-blocked stuff mentioned at day 7, and I did feel a tiny bit anxious and was on the verge of overthinking, but whenever that happened I managed to talk myself out of it, reinforced by the fact that N is talking with me more often.

I am mad, really mad at the PN administration right now.

I should ask about my parents or my grandma about our lineage from China to Malaysia. I don't actually know which generation am I Malaysian-wise. Who knows? Could be fun to listen to.

Day 8

I've just discovered that my subconscious started making me flush, which I consider as a sign of my anxiety, when I was met with triggers even though I've been anticipating them days ahead. Could be some kind of Pavlovian conditioning in the works, but I'll have to try dig into this to find out why it happens to me.

Aside from that, today is pretty much the same as the last few somewhat uneventful days since I got off the break, including the out-of-the-blue anxiety. I still don't quite know why is it always around the same period. At the very least I decided to force myself to study for my course today, so there's that.

Day 7

Never thought I'd recover this quickly from day 6 at all. Hell, I even managed to recover ridiculously fast today after finding out N blocked me on his older, abandoned Twitter account while I was digging through his stuff for the day 6 friend's birthday gift.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't shocked and got pretty anxious when I found that out, but since I was in the middle of talking with him I immediately told him about it and he unblocked me on his old account afterwards. Sure, I could have stayed here wondering why did he block me in the first place, and I had a good idea when and why it happened, but I am not going to let the past and the morbid curiousity of why consume me again. I trust N, and how he thinks of me right now. Fuck it, past made me who I am now but it does not define who I am, it feels so goddamn good to let go of dwelling in the past this time and be able to trust that my friends do care about me, even if we don't end up talking that much.

Although I do have to mention that I've been feeling somewhat anxious around the same time as the past 2 days again, and I know exactly why it got triggered; creeping through N's Twitter profiles again (though this time I actually need to do that to get the stuff I need for the gift). But, he straight up told me he doesn't mind me doing that anyways since it's public, so I am consciously not too worried. I guess it's going to take some time for my subconscious mind to get used to doing that and not feel anxious out of nowhere again.

Aside from all this, my day has gone pretty well! I finished another session of therapy again and this time, she introduced me to what's called a thought record table, which is supposed to help me think through a scenario in multiple angles before coming to a more realistic conclusion, and some advices for sleep hygiene for me to fix my sleep schedule. I should try doing the table thingy tomorrow.

Day 6


It's only about a week till a friend's birthday, and here I am, overthinking about my friendship with my old friends in general while trying to pick a gift, wondering what do they really think of me and especially to the aforementioned friend, because he's been ghosting me lately. Whether he's trying to deal with his own problem or I was being too annoying/weird to him, I don't know.

Actually, before that I've already been feeling anxious in the night since day 5, but at least for the aforementioned day, I do know why my anxiety was triggered. It was some really, really taboo discussions about the controversy around the movie Cuties and in general how fucked up that underaged children are willingly sexualizing themselves for fame online these days.

I am of the personal opinion that people should confront certain taboo subjects to force discussions both with themselves and others which will end up being beneficial to everyone, and fortunately, my anxiety from that subsidized once the discussion ended; the consensus is that it is indeed very fucked up and there are alternative, probably better ways to warn people against these trends without making people feel they did something illegal, plus children should be educated in how dangerous the Internet can potentially be for them. It does help that r/Malaysia Discord, where this took place, already prohibits any sort of pedophilic activities and will ban anyone who supports them per Discord TOS.

But today? I don't actually know why I felt anxious. The vaguest idea I have that could possibly trigger my anxiety was really just discussions getting heat up on the same server, and I don't usually do too well with getting confronted. But even after those are already over and I moved on to more normal and positive discussions, I still feel really flushed. I am really not sure why I felt like this, and I do not like it one bit. I am not exaggerating when I said it persisted for 3 to 6 hours, and I know it's not normal to feel this way for this long.

At some point, I hopped into shower, started thinking about those gifts to get for the friend again, and somehow I started thinking of sending gifts to my friends again completely anonymously. It's very much related to what I said in the first paragraph, and it's something I've done in the past. This time though, it got a bit morbid; I ended up thinking of revealing who and what did I give my gifts to when I am dead, through a will. It would have sounded pretty funny to me (cause that sounds like a lifelong prankster would do) were it not for the fact that I didn't even feel anxious about my own death. I have death phobia.

I mentioned something about dying alone and lonely in day 3, and I think I might be accepting the idea even more at that point; I really don't know what to make of it. Whatever the reason is, it did get me thinking about whether my friends, save for just one person (N), will only start to appreciate my existence after I am gone. This is, quite frankly, a pretty selfish thinking if you ask me. I'd say that it's time for me to pull myself back from the possibly negative thoughts, but it didn't even feel negative, it feels... indifferent.

I don't know what else I could add, so to end this post and the day, I've just confessed some stuff somewhat related to my anxiety and opened myself up again to N while he's sleeping, I know that he's not going to take any of what I say negatively, but I still feel anxious and frankly a bit guilty for what I've done and thought.

Day 5

I finally broke away from my social break after finding out that N was in distress, and I am very much glad that I did.

We ended up opening up ourselves to each others and talked a lot, with me doing the best I could to help him through and I'm actually feeling pretty happy and relieved. With him opening up to me on what he's dealing with, I now know exactly what to look up for to do more research for it and use that to help N as much as I could, as well as deciding what's appropriate to do the next time the scenarios he mentioned to me happens.

On top of all that, I've already achieved my goals as mentioned in day 4 post, I never thought I'd feel clarified this soon in my break to be honest, although I vaguely remember that it might have happened before. The details are pretty much on the day 4 post if you stumble across this and wants to read up.

I managed to catch up with most of the folks in r/Malaysia Discord, i.e. my primary social group, to the usual shenanigans like we always used to and will still do.

I'm genuinely so happy today that I don't really know what else to talk about. Hell, even my foot's pain is starting to subsidize from what I suspected was an infection on one of my eczema wounds two days ago. Really, I think the only low point of today would be the fact that my family's cooking up the same stuff as always ever since another COVID-19 lockdown started, but that's very minor and plus, I could just cook up my own stuff, which I did this evening.

I just really hope that moments like these can last longer than usual, and I have hope that it will.

Day 4

I just got a notification in my phone of N saying that he's sorry.

For the context, I did disable the main social apps I am using like I said in day 2 post, and I am happy that I've disciplined myself enough to not even check on them despite my urges. In fact, I don't even know what's actually going on in the social networks. However, as it turns out my phone will keep sending me notifications even if I disabled one of the apps in question, and since its OS is pretty locked down, there's not much I can do about it, and uninstalling it would be quite a hassle. I'd like to think that those notifications so far have scratched my urges of wanting to check and see how people are doing.

I'll admit, one of the objectives for my current break is to get N's attention. I'd be lying to my conscious if I say that I didn't think of using this break as a way to see if N actually cared about me per day 3 post, and that is pretty selfish. In fact, after acknowledging that to myself, I've been questioning whether I am a narcissist, whether I am a creep or a straight up stalker, all those pretty nasty stuff, and it makes me feel pretty guilty cause of the stuff that I did to constantly hurt him. N, if you somehow found this, I am sorry for being a selfish man.

But, now that I got what I want, I still don't want to get out of the break, cause that isn't the main goals of this break, it's for me to take some time off to rediscover myself (after realizing that I was basically back to square one), sort out my thoughts without external influences, learn to discipline myself, and just overall take a break from my social life. For the most part, I've actually managed to achieve my main goals so far, and I'd like to continue it until after my therapy session. There's one and only one condition that I will get out of my break early, and I think I'll leave it in the last paragraph for N to read.

In fact, I found out that I'm a perfectionist; I expected too much toward others (especially N) and myself with unrealistic thoughts, dictating my life with the negative thoughts of "what could have been", and that is quite frankly very unhealthy for both me and anyone around me. It's funny that I used to think that I'm not and I'd be perfectly okay with people's flaws and all that, but reading back my letters and posts in the past week, it's evidently clear that I am. Maybe this is why I thought I'm being a narcissist. I'll have to tell my therapist about this.

On the plus side, I had the moment of clarification from that; instead of thinking about "what could have been", I should be thinking about "what can be", then actually work towards that with realistic goals. It astounds me just how drastic a shift in perspective can how you phrase something gives you. And even if I fail at doing the latter, it's perfectly okay because failing at doing stuff is a very normal thing, as long as I try again, do not give up and continue to be persistent, I will eventually achieve what I want.

Sure, there are times that no matter how much you keep pushing, it's impossible for you to reach, but that is also very okay. You do not have to achieve every single goals you have, in fact, why not explore some alternative routes you can work towards? Take me for example, one of my main goals is to be together with N again, but I realized that there's a very real, not-slim possibility that he won't date with me again, and that is perfectly fine. Sure, it'll sting me quite a bit, but I could always just be a close friend to him. You don't really have to be together with somebody to show you your love towards somebody, whether it's platonic, romantic, familial or even all of them, right? I know that I still very much care about and will be there for him no matter what happens, and that is a promise I've made to him.

I know I said all that, but I also know that I have had, has and can slip back into constantly doubting other people, alongside my inner perfectionist and possibly narcissistic behaviours. That is still perfectly okay, but I won't give up working towards the betterment my mental wellbeing, even if there are times that I kept doubting my ability to. I can be better, and I will work towards making myself feel better so I can better help others with their mental wellbeings because I care for them, that is one of my main purposes in life, to make others feel happy, but WITHOUT at the expense of my own, which is something I have been struggling with and it's very self-sacrificial in a bad way. You can't make people feel happy for longer when you yourself are not, can you? Sure, there are times that I just can't do anything to make them feel better, but as long as I make them aware that I will be around to give them a shoulder to cry on if they want to, I'm content, as much as I prefer that they open up to me about what they are going through so I can try to help as much as I could.

N, if you managed to read through this entire post to see this, I want you to know that this whole thing is not your fault, it's on me, okay? I wanted this for myself, you shouldn't blame yourself for that. But, if you really need somebody to talk to or if you feel really distressed, don't hesitate to tell me that. I will immediately get out of my break and be right there for you, because you matter that much to me. Frankly, I already miss you.

As a side note, it's weirdly funny that I basically went through parts of the five stages of grief, and then some other emotions. First, I was angry at day one, then became decisive and frankly a bit scared at day two, then spiral down into doubts and depression, finally coming into acceptance and actually feel happy about myself in this post at day 4. Unfortunately, while I tend to be pretty fast compared to some others at recovering, this kind of cycle often happens way too often with me, enough that I'm basically hurting people around me, especially N, over and over again.

If there's anything I realized that I need to work towards, it's to shorten the periods of day 1-3, and possibly lengthen the period of day 4. I very much know that it's impossible to eliminate negative emotions out of your life; it's part of being human, after all, but that's not to say I have to wallow in them all the time. In other words, I need to learn to deal with my negative emotions far more quickly than what I am currently, and making sure that my positive emotions last longer, or at the very least gives me moments of calmness/indifference about my emotions as a platform for me to advance towards being happy or content.

I also need to figure out why is it that I feel uncomfortable around certain people exactly. Sure, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, but that isn't the root cause of why I feel uncomfortable being around certain people; it's literally just a diagnosis to help you find out why you feel anxious in certain scenarios so you can improve your wellbeing. My therapist and I have talked through this in our previous sessions before, and I did mention that I'm scared that they won't accept me for being who I am, and the fact that I am gay, which is taboo and illegal (for Muslims, for which I am not one) in Malaysia, but I have a feeling that this isn't the case for a few people specifically. Maybe because they act a bit too direct to my liking that I perceived it as aggressive? Maybe because they were underaged even though they are not anymore? I don't really know, but at least I have some leads now.

Day 3

This is an excerpt taken from my daily journaling/self-rant letters between 23th and 24th June, 2021, which won't be reflecting on my current moods. It has been modified to protect the privacy of others involved.

I keep thinking about these past two months or so, and it just feels that N and I are just drifting apart. Something just tells me we aren't as close now. I do know that we don't even do that much thing together while we were dating, but...

I don't really know, does N has preference on other friends over me when it comes to doing things? If so, why? Is it because of him rather go do stuff together with others, or is it because of me not reaching out to him as often to ask if he wants to hang out or something?

I'll be honest, I really yearn that I'd get to do stuff with him more frequently, but most of the times when I ask N out, he's either busy hanging out with other people/with his assignments, not feeling up to do it, or just plain not interested in what I suggest.

Something else I noticed is that the times we do end up hanging out, it seems to mostly be in N own initiative rather than mine. Why is that?

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I won't elaborate what 'stuff' in the following paragraph means as I consider it revealing enough that you can pinpoint who I'm referring to)

This sounds quite selfish but I sometimes wonder why N didn't pick me to get stuff together. I realized that almost all the stuff he got with one of his other best friends, it's always the latter who pays for it in full as gifts. Maybe it's the same for the ones he got with a mutual friend but I am not too sure. By all means I shouldn't really be feeling jealous over this, but combine this with what I mentioned above, I just... feel ignored.

I guess I really do have a lot in common with B in terms of social anxiety, wanting to feel validated by other people we are trying to get into, but ends up feeling left out after we get ignored for whatever reasons. I know people say you should just be yourself and all that, but that has not worked out for me so far, and I ended up feeling even more lonely.

I can already feel my mind passively accepting that I might actually just die alone and lonely, without people I value and love being around for my final moments at all, and that concerns me quite a bit.

Now that I think about it, with how many times I have directly and indirectly made N feel guilty for not socializing with me, I'd be surprised if he didn't end up wanting to drift apart from me, even if subconsciously. I know you shouldn't dwell in the past and all that, but I've hurt him way too much. That alone is the single biggest motivator for me to try to get better emotionally and in terms of my emotional stability, all just so I wouldn't be the main cause of drama surrounding him and instead be able to provide him more support. But no, I almost always ends up going back into the old ways of wallowing in pain, sadness, all those negative stuff. I really don't want to continue feeling like that anymore.

I guess this is what B meant when he said he doesn't feel like he has a purpose when he's ignored. Maybe all this time, I just don't want to feel like I have no other purposes, maybe this is why I'm so obsessed with trying to socialize with a lot of friends, but just couldn't really deal with it, and thus I looked to N instead. Maybe this is why I yearn a lot for his words of encouragement when he couldn't even do that most of the times while trying to deal with his own mental health, so I ended up expecting too much out of him, getting myself disappointed and made him feel guilty that he couldn't help.

Wow, I'm really messed up.

Day 2

After I posted my day 1 post, I've, well, gone ahead to ask two friends, one of whom didn't even reply back, about whether they noticed anything different about that person I mentioned in the aforementioned post after talking with him recently. The other friend who did respond said he didn't notice anything weird. Huh, maybe it was just me, I thought, then I realized that I might be capable of overthinking without feeling anxious at all, then I started to wonder if instead of that person changing, it's me, then everything sort of spiraled down from there on.

I thought I'm slowly beginning to understand myself, but I don't. Not only do I not have a grasp of myself, I feel that I'm basically back to square one.

Long story short, I immediately uninstalled, logged out, even limited the screen time of and blocked the social apps & websites I'm using to not only force myself to take some break, but to also stop creeping on my friends' social profiles. This is currently day 1 of me cutting off my only meaningful social circles out of my life. Did I mention that this is the third day in a row of me not even getting into online classes since the beginning of another semester this week?

I thought to myself, maybe I can use this time to try to rediscover myself, again. Maybe I can finally use this time to catch up on my college curriculum instead of procrastinating all the time. Maybe I can fix my sleep schedule too. But honestly, I cut myself off from others out of panic, albeit slight, so I don't actually have a concrete plan on how to handle all this.

For all I know about myself, I could be wallowing in negative thoughts like I used to do when I force myself to take a break, though to be fair, they are not the breaks I had in mind; it's more like taking breaks from certain people then failed to keep myself from avoiding them.

Still, my point is that this break I'm currently forcing myself into could either go back the way I used to handle it OR go well by distracting myself with the actually useful stuff I talked about, and I'd like to avoid the former as much as I could.

Whatever it is, I'm probably going to close myself off aside from this blog, and feel utterly lonely for the next few days, and I'm quite frankly not sure how to handle it during a break.

Day 1

Think of this scenario. Imagine that you've known somebody for almost 2 years and talked with for almost every day, and suddenly for reasons you can and can't explain, you start to feel unfamiliar with that person, because something about him has changed for the worse. That is me at this very moment.

It might be just to me exclusively or to others, but as far as our interactions go, he's getting more and more (passive) aggressive towards me and much more closed off from me about his problems than usual, whatever the hell the reasons are.

With how rapidly he's changing to the point where I straight up could not understand him, let alone trying to get into his mind to figure out whatever the fuck is he possibly going through, I told him that I am honestly scared for him. Guess what happened?

He just shuts me down by telling me to 'quit it'.

I called him out for acting aggressive, and he just told me he's fine moments later. Now, I am going to try to do some form of analysis on what I think about this, and it could easily be interpreted as me overthinking, which I'll admit I am quite prone to, but I can assure you dear reader that I am not, so please bear with me.

If I am to take his words on paper, then perhaps I have been acting a bit too negatively towards him and it's directly contributing to his bad mood. Perhaps this is what he meant when he said 'drama'. If that is the case, I wish he could have been more direct about this, but sure, I'll stop doing it regardless.

But from what I've known about what's going on with him, which I won't reveal for the sake of privacy, it just doesn't seem to match up. This is the very first time in almost 2 years since I've known him that I could feel that something is off about him compared to his usual self.

Either way, it's pointless since he just won't open up, I can't help him anyways even if I want to.

Obviously, I'd prefer to not have this scenario play out at all, but if for some reasons you, the person I was referring to this whole time, managed to find and read this, how about let me go through what you said to me at face value and respond it back? I don't even know if you mean all of what you said let alone your tone, but this is how I interpret it, so feel free to correct me.

Passive aggressively telling me that you'd rather not have drama during your own break? Sure, those drama you call are indeed me overthinking without any substantial evidence. That is my fault, I'll take that. No, you don't have to open up to me when I'm asking questions out of curiosity, and I'll make it clear again. I just want to check in and see how you're doing or why you're doing things a certain way, but if you don't want to say it, just say it, don't aggressively tell me that you don't have to explain myself to me. Same for your replies of me asking you whether you're going to sleep or not.

Like I said earlier, I don't even know what kind of tone are you going for so correct me if you will, but that whole thing read quite passive aggressive to me, and I very much do not like it one bit.

If you couldn't tell it, I am frankly angry with how aggressive you decided to reply to me with some of the topics I've been talking to you. Do you think all this is just me overthinking? Like I said, feel free to correct me. But as far as my interpretations go, I can very much assure you that I am not overthinking about all this.

I'm also frustrated that you refuse to open up about what you're going through, especially since you decided to acknowledge that there was something going on then proceed to dismiss it by saying you're fine. Maybe you really are fine this time, what do I fucking know? But that has happened before with you consistently assuring me that you're fine before venting to me, which by the way I very much prefer that you do that to anyone you trust, perhaps even instead of me.

Sure, there used to be a period where I worry too much about you too much when you were just busy with your assignments and there really was nothing, but I've long moved on from it, that and the fact that you're currently on break. This is not me worrying about you too much, this is me worrying about you with actual reasons.

Not like me saying all this is going to change your mind about it, would it? All I ask for this one is for you to open up and talk to the person that we both know who I'm referring to.

Since for the past few days, almost every time I open up my mouth, you're probably going to see them as 'drama', and those are literally the only topics I could think of these past few days to attempt to even connect with you because you're trying to be careful with how you spend your limited energy these days, I'll grant you your wish of getting to relax without those 'drama' by not saying anything.

Feel free to reach out to me by the time you feel better and more energetic, or wants to vent or otherwise open up to me, or whatever else you have in your mind. Hell, even cutting me off wouldn't be off the table, but you already told me that you don't have the intention, so I'll just leave this whole paragraph as is.

Even if this is going off on the tangent, just for the sake of ending this article, I am going to say that you're still the closest person I could ever have and I still very much care about you, but I'm frankly relying on you way too much, and I think you'd agree. It's about time I start trying to reach out to other people instead, it's healthier for me this way.

To any third parties who might have an idea of who exactly I'm talking about, I ask you to please not approach him about this and just leave him alone, as well as keeping his privacy intact.